MUSINGS
On Hating Yourself; or,
My Confession: Recollections of a Bitchless Zoomer
I was in a pretty deep rut there for a while. It happens from time to time. Comes in these waves I never quite see coming, nor do I ever seem completely in the clear of when they pass. Always threatening to drag me under again.
Several months ago, maybe back in June? I wrote a blog when I was in deep. Not sleeping, exercising, showering, walking around with a hole in my pants the size of my fist. My pocket would fall out and I would just shove it back in. I tried stapling the hole shut but it would just fall apart again. I guess I was depressed. I didn't post it back then because, well, I wanted something for this website other than more whinyposting. That and I guess I was just scared. Scared and didn't see the point and miserable and worst of all, embarrassed. The fuck was wrong with me? Why couldn't I function like a normal person?
Since I was young, middle school or so, I've hated myself rather flagrantly. I've never been able to pinpoint the exact origin, I think it was an unlucky combination of shitty friends, not quite being able to shake the awkwardness of that age, and my unfortunate choice of coping mechanisms. I learned two things during that time: Something was inherrently wrong with me as a person, and that if I made myself invisible, I couldn't possibly make more of the kind of memories that hurt me. I was wrong on both counts, of course, but by the time I understood that, I had graduated and was knee deep in the adult world.
I talked about how I hated my job already. I don't anymore. I'm okay with where I'm at currently. We'll see how I feel in ten years, but I'm definitely past the "teenage angst" period of my working career. But, God, how I hated it. I was so anti-social, avoiding my coworkers and dreading even the most casual of small talk. Only now my old strategies didn't work, or rather, they never worked in the first place, I just didn't have a group of close friends to fall back on.
I made a leper of myself essentially because I was afraid of feeling humiliated. I was miserable and alone, and I blamed the job for it. It's capitalism, man. Fucking... Jeff Bezos. Of course, I was too scared to get another job, where no doubt I would've been just as depressed because I had not found the root of the issue.
I think the most important lesson I've learned during my meager time as an adult is how critical it is to keep an open heart. To embrace new people and experiences. To be willing to go out on a limb and risk things not working out. If you keep yourself closed off, you're guaranteeing your own misery, and it's a hole you dig deeper and deeper, and if you go far enough you'll never get out. So deep the light doesn't shine through anymore.
In the words of a sociopathic serial swordfighter who for some indiscernible reason I can't help but admire, "in time, all things work in your favor when you pursue them with an open heart." This website is an exercise in embarrassing myself.
UPDATE
I've very nearly concluded the third draft of my current project. It's not a story. In fact, if anyone's remotely invested in this site, it's gonna seem completely out of left field. It's still under the umbrella of "writing," and I've had a ton of fun working on it so far. Zero expectations about where it will lead, if anywhere. It might just remain a small tribute to these things I love. We'll see. And I am doing better by the way. I have new pants. Next time I update the site, I'll have something other than more complaining, I promise.
And shoutout to Metamorphosis. We love you, man. Hoping you come back someday.